nugget: I am happy for your husband and his father. His experience shows the importance of hearing both sides of the story before making any judgments. I know my son needs some time and space to mature.
Reopened Mind
JoinedPosts by Reopened Mind
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42
Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.
by TotallyADD inas most of you know we got a very angry letter from our oldest son.
it hurt her very much.
i feel so bad for her because he attacked her for what i feel was very unfair.
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42
Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.
by TotallyADD inas most of you know we got a very angry letter from our oldest son.
it hurt her very much.
i feel so bad for her because he attacked her for what i feel was very unfair.
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Reopened Mind
flipper: As usual you come through with good advice and encouragement. Our son's authentic personality and cult personality are at war with each other and at present his cult personality is winning. What is ironic is the same JW therapist that my DIL is trapped by diagnosed my husband with ADD and helped him clear his mind so that he woke up from the cult. I, too, saw her briefly. She told me I was normal and didn't need therapy. Only those who have been-there-done-that can truly understand. TotallyADD and I are beginning to understand the pain of being shunned. Your daughters are still young and so are you. It is our wish for you that they don't waste too much more of your precious lifetimes hating the ones who love them unconditionally. Surely you have implanted in them enough of an authentic personality that it can find its way out. Your comments on JWN have been an anchor for us as we exited the cult. The part I appreciate the most is when I comment on one of your threads you give a reply. That makes me feel like I have been heard.
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42
Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.
by TotallyADD inas most of you know we got a very angry letter from our oldest son.
it hurt her very much.
i feel so bad for her because he attacked her for what i feel was very unfair.
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Reopened Mind
Brother of the Hawk: Our son's wife is emotionally unstable. We suspect "the man behind the curtain" is a Witness therapist she has been in contact with for at least the last 7 years. Besides being my dil's therapist she is a pioneer whom our son revealed was studying with her. A real sticky situation. We are here for our son and always will be.
cofty: Yes, indeed, it is strange how defensive he has become since he was the one who faded before TotallyADD and I did. But we came out together. He continues to deal with his still-in wife and fil. It is our hope that our son will be able to see that we honestly want the best for him and his family.
Reopened Mind
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42
Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.
by TotallyADD inas most of you know we got a very angry letter from our oldest son.
it hurt her very much.
i feel so bad for her because he attacked her for what i feel was very unfair.
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Reopened Mind
Coffee House Girl: Thank you for your support. We hope everything is going well for you and Coffee House Guy.
ABibleStudent: Many times I have recommended Steve Hassan's books to others on JWN. They have helped us to understand the cult personality. Even though my son is no longer in the cult he seems to be hanging on to some of the cult personality. I have to remember that like his father he has no frame of reference to a nonJW life.
Nathan Natas: Thanks for posting the link. You are correct, TotallyADD and I are an XJW married couple. While our son faded before we did he seems to be waffling back. We strongly suspect his wife was behind what was said in the letter and so to appease her he decided to cut us off. We are scratching our heads over this as well.
LostGeneration: Unconditional love; so many have mentioned it in this thread. That's really what it is all about. Even if he doesn't know it we are here for him and his wife as well. Love truly does conquer all.
sarahsmile: My son is 36 years old. He was never an elder or a ministerial servant. We do indeed live in different towns. He lives in a southern state and we live in Pennsylvania. We agree that he's venting at us to appease the wife. I, too, like Dr. Phil. One point I remember from a show is that once a person becomes an adult he must take responsibility for his actions. (How unlike the WT) I would very much like to talk to him face-to-face after he has time to cool off.
Heaven: Thank you for the hugs. I would like to hug my son and his wife.
rubadubdub (Diane): Life is too short to spent 12 years estranged from your own children. The Four Agreements is very good advice. While in the cult we made assumptions constantly. It's what kept the gossip mill going. It's hard to break the habit.
Ding: Thanks for the rose.
Separation of Powers: Every family has problems. The WT magnfies some and ignores others. We do what we can do and move on. The only person I can control is me.
To All Who Have Encouraged Me: Thank you all for taking the time to post. I will try to apply your invaluable advice.
Reopened Mind
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42
Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.
by TotallyADD inas most of you know we got a very angry letter from our oldest son.
it hurt her very much.
i feel so bad for her because he attacked her for what i feel was very unfair.
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Reopened Mind
clarity: Family can hurt us the most because they are closest to us. We want a relationship with our family. Hugs to you dear clarity. I feel your pain. I know in my head it's not my son speaking, but my emotions like to tell me otherwise. Peace & strength back to you.
crmsicl: Our dil is definitely a "power dynamic" in this situation. My dil and I are very different personalities. He expressed love for his wife but I hope that does not mean he has to hate his mother. Telling his wife we were no longer JW's put him between a rock and a hard place. (He had asked our permission previously to tell her.) Time will tell.
Quandry: Our son was raised in the org. While he is no longer a Witness he lives with his wife and her father who are very much in mentally. I'm afraid this mentality has gotten its hooks back in him. Your being close to your daughter again gives me hope.
Mum: My son's children are preteens so I know he cannot possibly understand the dynamics of parent/adult child relationship. Dr. Dyer's book sounds like something that would help me now. I will look into it. Thank you for the suggestion.
Nathan Natas: Your parents sound like my husband's parents. He feels the only thing that kept them together was the JW religion. But O the consequences for the kids. He knows they did the best they could, improving tremendously over their parents. 100% responsibility is always laid in the lap of the parents---until the children are old enough to understand.
ruderedhead: I will try to give my son & his wife the time and space to work through their issues.
Aunt Fancy: I'm hanging, I'm hanging. My parents cried too when I became a Witness back when I was a teenager. Boy do I understand a lot more now!
wasblind: Thank you for the heart and the hug.
FlyingHighNow: My son faded before we did but lives with a wife who is mentally in (not attending) and a fil who goes to meetings. We know he is in a difficult situation. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
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Another Newbie
by Skinnedsheep ini recently came to the realization that the organization is corrupt and is false.
my story is similar to many i think.
i was raised in the religion, pioneered and served as an elder for a number of years.
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Reopened Mind
Skinnedsheep,
Welcome to the forum. So glad that you and your wife are waking up together. My husband TotallyADD and I woke up at about the same time, in 2007, and we walked out for the last time in 2011.It's much easier when you have someone to lean on.
TotallyADD was an elder for 25 years and I pioneered for 4 years. Unlike the organization there are no statistics here of who was what. Many though will identify as former elders, MS, pioneers, bethelites, etc. You will just have to read the posts. Enjoy. There are a great many stories here that you will find invaluable.
Best of luck on your fade.
Reopened Mind
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42
Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.
by TotallyADD inas most of you know we got a very angry letter from our oldest son.
it hurt her very much.
i feel so bad for her because he attacked her for what i feel was very unfair.
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Reopened Mind
whathappened: Unfortunately the WT makes it so that honesty is not always the best policy. We had been tip-toeing around our son's wife until he asked us if he could tell her we left the organization. We said OK and he did. This is when the firestorm let loose. We are not Df'd or Da'd either. We wrote back that we will always love them unconditionally. I am sorry that your daughter shunned you for a while but am happy that for your reconciliation even if it may be tenuous.
rip van winkle: We have time and we have patience and we have hope that things will settle down. I like Maya Angelou.
Hortensia: I agree. He needs to take responsibility as an adult.
MrFreeze: Thank you for your vote of confidence.
AnneB: Thank you for your love and tears. Yes, we did the best we could as I believe every parent does. Our son did not become so vituperous until he told his wife we left the organization.
PaintedToeNail: TotallyADD and I will make it through. Your support helps.
Will reply to more tomorrow. Have to go to work.
Reopened Mind
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42
Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.
by TotallyADD inas most of you know we got a very angry letter from our oldest son.
it hurt her very much.
i feel so bad for her because he attacked her for what i feel was very unfair.
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Reopened Mind
My dear sweet TotallyADD, most of the venom in the letter was directed at him yet he opens this thread to encourage me!
I thank all of you for your kind well thought out replies. The counsel here is so much more balanced and useful here than we ever got in the WT mags, not to mention so much more loving and empathetic.
As TotallyADD said I did not get on the computer last night. What a pleasant way to start my day.
Our son is 36 years old. He has 2 children, 7 & 8 years old. We live in Pennsylvania and they live in a southern state. He quit going to meetings before we did when he saw problems with the religion. His wife does not attend either but that is because of her emotional condition. She holds strongly to the beliefs. They share a home with her father who I believe still goes to the meetings.
Oubliette: Yes, I am hurt by my son's letter. TotallyADD has taken the brunt of the visciousness. I guess growing up JW has helped him develop a thicker armor against personal attacks.
jgnat: I have that hope too.
LisaRose: I agree. I look at my parents and my husband's parents and realize that they did the best they could with what they had. Both sets did far better raising their families than than their parents. I hope someday our son will say the same about us. I have not had any instruction in meditation but when I get stressed I visualize the camping trips we took to north GA when the boys were young. That seems to help.
Will answer more later.
Reopened MInd
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Facebook "friend" heard a rumor
by Reopened Mind ini was surprised to get a message on facebook yesterday from a sister in a congregation i hadn't attended in 18 years.
she said she heard a rumor totallyadd and i no longer want to be jws.. funny thing is the last time i messaged her on facebook was january 2011. yes, i had let all correspondence drop with jws as we were well into our fade at the time.. but two and a half years and she wants to know if we want to be jws?
no how are you doing, miss you guys, or news of her family.
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Reopened Mind
I was surprised to get a message on facebook yesterday from a sister in a congregation I hadn't attended in 18 years. She said she heard a rumor TotallyADD and I no longer want to be JWs.
Funny thing is the last time I messaged her on facebook was January 2011. Yes, I had let all correspondence drop with JWs as we were well into our fade at the time.
But two and a half years and she wants to know if we want to be JWs? No how are you doing, miss you guys, or news of her family. She just wants to know if she has to shun us.
I think I know how the rumor mill got cranked up there. My son told his wife we had left and she made a phone call or two.
CULT! CULT! CULT!
So glad I'm not a part of it any more.
Reopened Mind
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Why elders' wives are such gossipers...
by Calebs Airplane ini have a theory as to why elders' wives gossip so much.
i believe a big part of it has to do with the conversation running dry (between themselves and their elder husbands) after so many years of marriage.
since they don't get to spend too much "quality time" together (because of the elder husband's hamster wheel schedule), when they do have some intimate time alone, the elder's wives will invaribly attempt to engage their husbands in any kind of interchange.
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Reopened Mind
I was an elder's wife. I was told by a sister that when I was I a car group the gossip stopped. I know it was because when I heard something I would tell my husband so the elders could handle it.
My husband was careful not to share what was going on in the congregation with me.
Please, Calebs Airplane, don't paint all elders wives as gossips. Yes, I know some are.
All of us apostates are not "mentally diseased", "drug addicts", or "drunkards".
Reopened Mind